Challenging Stigma Online: The Impact of Being Forever Known for Your Private Tale

* This post first appeared on Huffington Post – Media*

We don’t always want to be known for the most vulnerable or emotional story of our lives. New York Times best-selling author of How to Be Black, Baratunde Thurston, once asked his live audience not to tweet or record his telling of a personal story at a public venue because he’s “not interested in that story blowing up and getting lots of YouTube hits. I’m not interested in being KNOWN for it…the idea of people streaming and live-tweeting and uploading this personal, intimate tale felt like a violation.”

After she wrote about her abortion experience in the The Texas Observer, Carolyn Jones was shocked to watch it “spread faster than a Texas wildfire” across the internet. She wrote later that sometimes she wakes “up in a cold sweat, shocked at what I’ve done. Not at having the abortion — I’m at peace with the choice we made — but at having written about the most private and painful of traumas.”

In many cases, the internet has helped people who once felt alone find others who understand what they’re going through, whether its an abortion experience, divorce or death. Yet, the intricacies of what’s private and what’s public are getting harder to navigate. Those who seek connection and self-expression online to mitigate their feelings of isolation, or to challenge myths and stereotypes about sensitive experiences, can find a number of difficulties, including the unexpected emotional impact of strangers curating and sharing their stories.

Does viral, vulnerable personal content challenge cultural stigmas or does it exploit it?

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Building Transparency Momentum

* This first appeared on the blog for the Stanford Social Innovation Review *

Even engaged citizens in Oakland, Calif., didn’t know the city had a Public Ethics Commission, let alone what its purpose was, when I joined its ranks three years ago. And people who did know about it didn’t have many nice things to say: Local blogs sneered at its lack of power and few politicians feared its oversight. Created in 1996 as a watchdog organization responsible for opening up city government, the commission had become just another element of Oakland’s cumbersome, opaque bureaucracy.

It’s easy to see why. Technology and media have dramatically changed our expectations for what defines transparency and accountability. For example, in the past, walking into City Hall, making an official request for a public record, and receiving it in the mail within two weeks meant good, open government. Now, if an Internet search doesn’t instantly turn up an answer to your question about local government, the assumption often is: Government’s hiding something.

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My Netroots Nation 2011 Panel Presentation: “FTW: Down and Dirty for Social Change”

*This was originally posted on the blog Exhale is Pro-Voice*

On Friday, June 17^th, Exhale Executive Director Aspen Baker participated in a panel presentation at Netroots Nation entitled “FTW: Social Networks, Down & Dirty for Change.” Assembled by 16 & Loved architect Deanna Zandt, the panel also included Cheryl Contee from Fission Strategy, Anita Jackson from Moms Rising, and Rachel LaBruyere from Mobile Commons and explored case studied of social media successes. Aspen Baker presented the 16 & Loved campaign to a standing-room only crowd, exploring campaign goals, media reaction, and lessons learned. You can watch the whole panel discussion below [a new browser window will open]:

Panel attendees also helped generate quite a bit of buzz on social media about the presentation while it was happening, and you can read some of their Tweets below:

Thank you to all who attended and helped us grow the conversation through social media and beyond! If you’re not already following Exhale on Twitter and Facebook, we hope you’ll join us there in the Pro-Voice

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Technology Matters to Women Who Have Had Abortions

*This post first appeared on the blog for MAG-Net.org, the Media Action Grassroots Network, a project of the Center for Media Justice.

After an abortion, women who want to connect personally with others who share their experience face incredible social and political challenges, such as stigma, judgment and manipulation. They risk losing their job or straining relationships with friends and family.

Yet, the desire to share stories and feel connected to others who understand is so strong that a woman will take great risks with the hope that her voice will be heard and that she will no longer feel alone.

At the recent National Conference on Media Reform, Malkia Cyril of the Center for Media Justice spoke in a workshop on how to use mobile phones for social change. She shared with us that technology is so much more than a tool for organizing or politics.  When a woman living as an inmate in a federal prison pays $7.00 every time she calls home to hear her daughter’s voice; or an African immigrant in New York pays $5 for a phone card he’s promised will give him twenty minutes with his family back home, only to have his time cut short after 5 minutes, technology becomes a matter of human dignity. Malkia reminded all of us attending the workshop that we love technology because “we love to connect.” We call, text, tweet, and email not because we love our gadgets, but because our gadgets help us meet a deep, human need for personal connection.

Exhale, an organization created by and for women who have had abortions, uses technology to facilitate connection and communication between women who have had abortions; and to shape public conversations about our personal experiences with abortion. Our pro-voice programs offer women who have had abortions the opportunity to speak for themselves – to tell their own stories, in their own words and in the forums of their choice – and feel heard with dignity and respect.

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VOTE FOR MY PANEL IDEA AT SXSWi: Ethical Storytelling for Social Change

Exhale has learned a lot about storytelling around abortion and we have had the chance to work with some fantastic mentors and experts on the topic of stories.  We’ve all gotten together to offer a panel at the South by Southwest Interactive Festival in Austin, Texas next March. It’s the place to be!

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Getting Started on Social Media: My (very humble) Recommendations to the Nonprofit Leader

Recently, a long-time friend, coach and colleague asked me for my recommendations on how she can become a super social media guru.  She’s a nonprofit consultant with vast expertise and wants to grow her skills and experience to continue to be the great resource she already is to her clients.

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My Presentation on “Challenges to Major Donor Fundraising” with the Development Executives Roundtable

I was honored to be invited by the Development Executives Roundtable to share Exhale’s experiences with major donor fundraising on April 20, 2010.

In this edited video, I share the challenges that Exhale faces and what it looks like when we do major donor fundraising right.

I was honored to receive the following feedback:

“I hope you could feel the energy and admiration in the room yesterday, as I did, as you described the work you do with EXHALE.  Many of those who attended yesterday were from small organizations, and you were an especially uplifting and encouraging force for them.  But you were for me, too.  Especially when I heard that Rush Limbaugh ranted against you!  One attendee told me how much it meant to her to finally hear from someone who works and raises money in very challenging circumstances and for a very challenging mission.  And who is succeeding. You are an inspiration.” – Marjorie Winkler, ACFRE
Fundraising Consulting & Interim Management
  

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My Interview with Baratunde Thurston: Telling a Personal Story in Public

I have been following Baratunde Thurston on Twitter for months. He’s hysterical. Web editor of The Onion, co-founder of Jack & Jill Politics and an expert on things like “How to be Black.” I was already in Austin, Texas attending South by Southwest Interactive, so when I saw that he would be a featured storyteller at the Fray Café, I made sure I was there.

Imagine my surprise when Baratunde asked the dozens of us squashed into the Red Eye Fly bar to not record or tweet what he was about to share. His story was personal. He didn’t want it to leave the room. This, coming from a King of Social Media with over 21,000 followers on Twitter.

I was intrigued. Here was a public figure who had decided to share something personal in a public forum but with some very clear parameters for how public.

At Exhale, we’ve been asking the women we work with a lot of questions about the kinds of private and public forums they would like to share their personal abortion stories. We want to know what kind of forums feel the most supportive, respectful and empowering. We have learned that there is a whole spectrum between private and public, from a confidential talkline or private online space to small facilitated discussions and public conferences, not to mention the publicity of online networks and social media. These “super public” forums, like Twitter or YouTube, as Baratunde refers to them in the interview, are the least likely places for women to choose, even when they are open to other kinds of public storysharing. We have found that each person has their own comfort level with the kind of forum that feels right to tell their story. Each person is unique.

Baratunde told his personal story. Everyone in the room felt the story. We were surprised by it and moved by it. We related. We saw ourselves. We admired his courage for sharing.

I met him briefly after he got off the stage and later, I emailed Baratunde and asked him to share his motivations for telling his personal story in a public forum, and about his request to get the details off of Twitter. Here is what he said:

Me: At the Fray Café you were a featured storyteller and you decided to tell something very personal about your life. You asked people not to record it or tweet the details. Yet, you still told the story in a public forum. Can you describe what led you to tell the story?

Baratunde: “Well, the story began when my wife told me she didn’t want to be married anymore, and the rest of the story kind of wrote itself. In all honesty, I didn’t think I had anything else worth sharing at Fray. I perform and speak publicly all the time, but rarely on such a personal, intimate subject. The first Fray Café I ever did I told a five minute story about my mother’s passing, and that was very emotional. But generally speaking, I don’t talk about my super personal experiences in public.

With this story, however, I couldn’t let it go. 2009 was a major year for me, high and low, and this was the low part, and I had gotten to a place where I was cool with it and was finally ready to share beyond my close group of friends. As the Fray event approached, I tried to think of other things to say, but I couldn’t. So I stayed up all night thinking and typing and talking the story out to see if I could make it fit into the 15 minutes.

This story was the truest thing I could have shared, so that’s why I chose it.”

Me: How did you feel afterward? Were you glad you did it? Did you have reactions you were surprised about in yourself or others?

Baratunde: “I felt exhausted, relieved and a little shaky afterward. I can’t stress enough how unlike me it is to share something like this, so while I have years of stage experience which prevent my nerves from getting rattled, I really had no idea what to expect. When it was over, a woman came up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss and said I had helped her. I wasn’t expecting that. Then other people shared similar comments.

People are used to me making them laugh. Some are used to me making them think. Few are used to me making them feel. So this was a new experience for them and for me. I also felt like I had completed some important stage of the healing process by physically getting the story outside of my body. Even though I had shared such detail with close friends, they are so close that it sort of doesn’t count. By telling the story to strangers, I really was able to let go of some of the residual pain and trauma I’d been carrying.”

Me: Would you have told the story if you knew it would be videotaped and put on YouTube? Why or why not?

Baratunde: “I probably would not have told the story “super publicly” like that. My ex-wife and I are on good terms, and while what I told was my story, it’s also hers. I wanted the freedom to tell the truth from my perspective without unfairly putting HER business out there. I don’t think anything I said was mean or slanderous, but I just didn’t feel right about (potentially) telling the entire world all these things. Unlike most of my public appearances, I’m not interested in that story blowing up and getting lots of YouTube hits. I’m not interested in being KNOWN for it. I don’t want it to become a Comedy Central special. I told the story mostly for myself and found out after that others got something out of it too. But the idea of people streaming and live-tweeting and uploading this personal, intimate tale felt like a violation of her, of me and of the story itself. You have to FEEL it. Being in the same physical space provided that respectful atmosphere. YouTube, I think we can all agree, does not.

Me: Do you plan to tell this story again publicly? Why or why not?

Baratunde: “I’m not sure I need to tell that story in that way publicly again. What I have done is find a way to work a small portion of the story into a joke for my standup routine, and I imagine as time passes, I’ll integrate more of this experience into my overall story. But the idea of doing the same thing with the same intensity in the same way kind of feels like having a successful surgery and then doing it again just because the first surgery was so awesome.”

Thank you Baratunde Thurston!

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Stupak: Win or Lose, We Need Culture Change

Feminist blogger Kate Harding often takes issue with how cynical the progressives on Daily Kos write about abortion politics, but on Nov. 10, they found some common ground. Two days after the House voted to approve health care reform and the Stupak Amendment, which seemed to catch so many by surprise, Kate wrote on Salon and David Waldman wrote on Daily Kos that the passage of Stupak was entirely predictable. Not a shock. Not a surprise. Disappointing, frustrating, and infuriating, perhaps, but certainly, they agreed, everyone should have seen the Stupak Amendment coming.

According to David, the “lavishly-funded national network of professional abortion rights advocacy groups … somehow found themselves blindsided and rolled by a situation that was 100% predictable (not to mention 35 years in the making).” And Kate wrote, “We were rolled with, like, 35 years of advance warning” and she decried Democrats who “will sacrifice pretty much everything they claim to believe in, just because the words ‘Democratic majority’ sound so much better than the alternative.”

Let’s all get over our collective surprise and admit we need an entirely new strategy. The Stupak Amendment represents our decades-long national reality: deep political divisions about abortion rights and moral judgments against women who have had abortions. If we really want different results, we need different strategies. We can’t count on a president, professional lobbyists, or politicians to transform the abortion conflict or assure justice. We can’t even count on ourselves if our only strategy is to “get angry and gear up for a fight.” What we need to do is change the conversation about abortion.

If we don’t fundamentally and proactively change the conversation we risk deepening political divisions and forcing more people to their own sides, leaving out, yet again, the silenced voices we need most: the voices of women who have had abortions.

If we want to transform the conflict, the voices of these women need to take center stage. A true conflict-transformation approach, according to Eyal Rabinovitch, an expert on this approach, “focuses less on solving the conflict than changing how we engage with one another when we are in it. [It works by] giving voice to all affected by a given conflict and enabling open communication between them.”

Note that it does not work by giving voice to those “who speak on behalf of” or “advocate for” a particular group; those speakers certainly have not been silenced in public discussion. Neither are their voices the ones who need reassurance of open communication. Conflict transformation does not try to force opponents to comprise or agree with each other.

A conflict transformation approach on abortion enables open communication for those who have personally experienced abortion, the people whose voices have been silenced most as a result of the Abortion War. Today’s abortion conflict replaces their voices with stigma, isolation, judgment, myths, stereotypes, and the belief that women are best used as case studies to “prove” that one side or the other is right. Every day at Exhale, the organization I lead, women and their loved ones call our national talkline after an abortion to find the nonjudgmental comfort and support they are unable to find in their everyday lives. At Exhale, we witness the personal impact of this war on a woman’s life and her well-being.

Conflict transformation ensures that every story, every voice, is heard, and that each person’s dignity and humanity is respected.

We transform conflict when we take a public stand for each and every woman who has had an abortion, despite how uncomfortable her story makes us feel, or how inconvenient her truth may be to our position. We humanize the issue of abortion when we create room for those who have had abortions to feel supported, respected, and connected to one another.

Personal stories have the potential to change the way we think about abortion and the women who have them, and we must elicit them with openness and an authentic desire to learn. Because it is through personal stories that we can explore the real impact of abortion—positive, negative, and everything in between—in the lives of women and their families, and find new solutions to promote their health and well-being.

We should expect this new strategy to be messy—in fact, we should hope for that. Thelar Pekar, a communications expert, writes: “Story sharing, if done correctly, results in chaos. … Story begets story, which begets story, which eventually … begets chaos. [We should be] surprised, delighted, and frightened by what [we hear.]. Only then, out of chaos, will clarity, innovation, and/or change emerge.”

The impact of this approach on our cultural conversation about abortion will not be predictable like the Stupak Amendment or the political motivations of Democratic leaders. It gives us a real choice with real consequences, just like abortion: we can choose the same battles and get entirely predictable results or we can take a risk and try different strategies with unpredictable outcomes. Listening to personal abortion stories and enabling communication between women who have had abortions is messy, and it grows the possibilities for peace.

This is Pro-Voice.

If you want to be a part of transforming the abortion conflict and building peace, start by being pro-voice in your online discussions about abortion. Here are 5 simple tips:

• Be Authentic—Speak from your own personal experience.
• Be Respectful—Be aware of times you’re reinforcing an “us-versus-them” mentality.
• Avoid Jargon—It tends to be alienating at worst and boring at best.
• Remember Your Readers—Online, your readers could be your friends or family, even your daughter or mother. What would you want them to read?
• Practice Self-Care—If you find yourself drawn into a frustrating or infuriating online discussion, take a deep breath. Allow yourself to back away.

Whether or not you have personally experienced abortion, you can be a champion for women’s voices. Speak from your own personal experience and tell a story about a time you felt heard, truly heard. How did it change the conversation? How did it change your life?

The Abortion War today needs this pro-voice strategy. Instead of seeking only political solutions—where we end up “blindsided” by political sacrifices like the Stupak Amendment—we need a strategy for deep, fundamental culture change. We need to transform hearts and minds.

We start by taking the idea of the Abortion War seriously. Very, very seriously. We must recognize that we are a nation deep in conflict, and instead of trying to win with politics, we must work towards building peace. I believe we can do that by being pro-voice.

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Vote for Exhale & Help Us Win a New Website

A woman who has had an abortion and who goes online in search of support and connection will undoubtedly find everything that is wrong with the abortion debate in this country. Shame, stigma, anger, violence, and judgment around abortion are the status quo online. Imagine if instead each woman found what she really needs: respect and understanding. Exhale envisions a better online world for women and their loved ones post-abortion and we need your help!

Exhale is in the running to receive a free, new website through the Free Range Youtopia Grant program, worth $15,000! There are more than 400 great ideas competing for the prize, and we need your vote!

Vote for Exhale today and you will take us one-step further towards our goal of a new social website that champions listening, promotes storytelling and builds empathy for every woman who has had an abortion.

Vote!

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