The rumors have been flying.
Rhianna and Chris Brown are back together, or at least, they are talking, reports People. Those who blamed Rhianna from the beginning are basking in the idea that she made it all up to begin with while those who went on the attack against Chris are left feeling betrayed and embittered about rising to her defense. Many of us are saddened or confused, and worried about the “message” her behavior is sending to other young people who have been hurt in their dating relationships.
As a long-time advocate against domestic violence, I am all too well aware about the data that tells us it usually takes a woman multiple attempts to leave her abusive partner, and that leaving is often the most dangerous thing she can do. It is easy for those on the outside to tell women they should leave and judge them when they don’t, but what these women know all too well, is that leaving can put their life in even more danger.
This is what also makes it hard to be around someone in an abusive relationship. It is hard to stand by their side when they return, when they choose to stay. It is hard to see the signs of abuse and not be able to make someone you care about safe.
Rhianna and Chris Brown are living out the reality of domestic violence in front of all our eyes, in front of the world. Being famous or rich or beautiful doesn’t make domestic violence less real or easier to escape.
Elizabeth Méndez Berry lays out the hard facts in her article, Chris Brown, Rhianna and Reality, for New American Media:
For black women ages 15 to 29 —Rihanna’s demographic— homicide is the second leading cause of death, after accidents, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. A woman’s most likely murderer is her current or former romantic partner.
The problem is widespread: the U.S. Department of Justice recently reported that in 2007 intimate partner assaults on women were up 42 percent. Sadly, the response to Brown and Rihanna reveals why this goes unchecked: more time is spent attacking the individuals than tackling the problem.
The Family Violence Prevention Fund (FVPF) reminds us that this incident “is a stark reminder of the urgent need for education and prevention.” And what we need is exactly what we are missing: public voices willing to use this teachable moment to take a stand for the following principles laid out by the FVPF:
Violence is never acceptable. Nothing a victim does, and nothing in a perpetrator’s background, ever justifies violence. Those who commit violence must be held accountable. Victims of violence need and deserve protection, support and privacy.
In her article Brown V Monkey on the Huffington Post, Jehmu Greene takes it a step further and laments:
The beating Rihanna experienced at the hands of Chris Brown was tragic, but definitely not uncommon. .. black men are killing young black women in such high numbers it beats out accidents and every illness you can imagine. Where is the outrage? Where is the boycott? Where is the speech? I have never received a call to action email on behalf of black women affected by domestic abuse – at a rate 35% higher than our white counterparts.
Even celebrities like Kanye West who was one of the first to step up and take a stand for Rhianna is quoted as saying “can’t we give Chris a break?.. I know I make mistakes in life” on unaired footage of his VHI’s Storytellers.
Unfortunately, as Méndez Berry points out in her article:
whether a case involves celebrities or civilians, too many demonize one person instead of humanizing both.
We can humanize both. We don’t have to boycott or hate or blame. We must understand, support and love. This is how we end violence.
Most importantly, Yes Means Yes reminds that even if these rumors are true, there are still many things that remain untrue. Rhianna reuniting with Chris does not mean the following:
1. It doesn’t mean she is stupid.
2. It doesn’t mean we should forgive him.
3. It doesn’t mean what he’s alleged to have done is any less horrible.
4. It doesn’t mean she has betrayed any kind of sisterhood.
5. It doesn’t mean that if he hurts her again, she deserves it.There may seem to her to be a million reasons for her to take him back. Not one of them means that she deserves to be hurt again. No one deserves to be beaten or abused. Ever. By anyone. Period.
The articler by Mrs Barry is very interesting with facts and very sad, unfortunately.Thanks for comment.
Once more, something, what Michelle Obama can do and help than showing her perfect toned arms and playing madam in great clothes, when she needs to take back seat – her husband is president, she is now his wife.This is the same with when she is president, her husband is her husband.Who is driver home, it doesn’t matter.She gave up her career and I don’t see First Lady as Mother Earth in Recession.This is great opportunity working with these poor women.Who else?She is the first lady, she is part.black and she is out of career.
From your blog:
The beating Rihanna experienced at the hands of Chris Brown was tragic, but definitely not uncommon. .. black men are killing young black women in such high numbers it beats out accidents and every illness you can imagine. Where is the outrage? Where is the boycott? Where is the speech? I have never received a call to action email on behalf of black women affected by domestic abuse – at a rate 35% higher than our white counterparts.
That’s hilarious! Perhaps we shouldn’t have elected Obama President because of the well-toned abs that he showed off in his trunks. Good fitness and health can present such major obstacles to being effective.
OK. I’m being sarcastic. In all seriousness, I would say being First Lady is a job, and a very serious one at that. And, I am excited about having a visible, leading first lady, not one afraid of her own shadow, and so far, I admire her courage and strength, with or without toned arms.
Top marks!
You hit all the right points. Excellent!
Why thank you!
It wouldn’t surprise me if Rihanna and Chris Brown were married, and have been for months already
I just saw those rumors too….oh man….if they’re really in it together for the long haul I just hope they both get some real, serious help.
you raise great points. i’m working at not being judgmental of her situation because it illustrates the bigger issue of women returning to their abusers. this is an opportunity for us to understand DV and why it doesn’t stop. isn’t it a problem when it’s safer for the woman to stay than leave? what are the conditions that make it difficult for women to leave? these are some of the issues i’d like to see collectively addressed.
thank you for bringing in some great resources and keeping the conversation going. it’s easy for us to judge but we don’t walk in anyone else’s shoes, especially under the microscope of the media and thus the whole world.
Thank you for bringing these issues to light, for continuing to care in all of the work that you do. I believe it is important to support the victim in every way. I believe it is time that we as a society start putting shame directly where it belongs: on the shoulders of the cowardly purpetrator of violence against those who are smaller, less strong, unwilling to do violence themselves.
I think that both are to blame.
I know its not right for a man to hit a woman or a woman to hit a man. All I’m saying is that I think she provoked him.
Now don’t think I’m a heartless sexist man, because honestly I feel bad for them both.
Rumor says she hit him.
Doesn’t that hold her responsible too?
Maybe she had just as much anger, but couldn’t express it because he was punching her.
Just realize, a lot of reports are different, and we will never know what really happened in that car, because WE WERE NOT THERE!
Why is this so important to us. Think of all the child abuse, animal abuse, and all other abuse that happens. The public just cares about this because they are pop stars. At the same time, other people probably went through the same thing. People today just crave stars being trashed.
The public enjoys it, because it gives us things to talk about.
Why do we care so much now, if we never did before?
Everyone should be held accountable for their own actions, and provoking and hitting first is not OK. But neither of those things justify retaliation and he had his own choices about how to respond to her behavior. I think the public cares because we know who they are and we know so many of our own friends and family that have gone through this. I would hate to think that people are enjoying the spectacle and would like to hope that people are learning and growing from their experiences.